Kristoph: That one there, that’s Phoenix Wright. He is one of the dumbest guys you will ever meet. Max sat next to him in English last year.
Max: He asked me how to spell “orange”.
Kristoph: That little one, that’s Daryan Crescend.
Max: He’s totally rich because his dad invented Toaster Streudels.
Kristoph: Daryan Crescend knows everybody’s business, he knows everything about everyone.
Max: That’s why his hair is so big, it’s full of secrets.
Kristoph: And evil takes a human form in Klavier Gavin. Don’t be fooled because he may seem like your typical selfish, back-stabing slut faced ho-bag, but in reality, he’s so much more than that.
Max: He’s the queen bee - the star, those other two are just his little workers.
Apollo: Klavier said he’d talk to Ema. And now he is. How can Max hate him? He’s such a good… SLUT!
Daryan: Klavier, we have to talk to you.
Klavier: Is butter a carb?
Daryan: Klavier, you’re wearing sweatpants. It’s Monday.
Phoenix: So that’s against the rules, and you can’t sit with us.
Klavier: Whatever. Those rules aren’t real.
Phoenix: They were real that day I wore a vest!
Klavier: Because that vest was disgusting!
Daryan: You can’t sit with us!
Klavier: …These sweatpants are all that fits me right now.
Klavier:Fine! You can walk home, bitches.
Daryan: If only you knew how mean he really is… You’d know that I’m not allowed to wear hoop earrings, right? Yeah! Two years ago he told me hoop earrings was his thing and I wasn’t allowed to wear them anymore. And then for Hannukah my parents got this pair of really expensive white gold hoops and I had to pretend like I didn’t even like them and… it was so sad. And you know he cheats on Ema? Yes, every Thursday she thinks he’s doing SAT prep but really he’s hooking up with Angel Starr in the projection room above the auditorium! I never told anybody that because I am such a good friend! [cries]
Klavier: You know, Ema really does like you. She’s always talking about how unusual you are and it really pissed me off. Like this one time, I got this really expensive doll house from Germany, but I never played with it. So my mom wanted to give it to my cousin. But even though I didn’t want it…
Apollo: You begged your mom to let you keep it?
Klavier: No. I threw it down the stairs.
Klavier: It’s called the South Beach Fat Flush and all you drink is cranberry juice for 72 hours.
Ema: Lemme see that… this isn’t even cranberry juice, it’s cranberry juice cocktail. It’s all sugar.
Klavier: I wanna lose three pounds.
Phoenix: Oh my God, you’re so skinny! Klavier: Shut up.
Klavier: I gave her everything! I was half a virgin when I met her.
Phoenix: Do you wanna do something fun? Wanna go to taco bell?
Klavier: I can’t go to taco bell, I’m on an all-carb diet. GOD Nick, you’re so stupid!
Daryan: Wait, Klavier! Talk to me!
Klavier: No one understands me…
Daryan: I understand you!
Apollo: You’re not stupid, Phoenix.
Phoenix: No, I am actually. I’m failing almost everything!
Apollo: Well… there must be something you’re good at.
Phoenix: I can stick my whole fist in my mouth! Wanna see?
Apollo: No no no… Anything else?
Phoenix: Well… I’m kinda psychic. I have a fifth sense.
Apollo: What do you mean?
Phoenix: It’s like I have ESPN or something. My hair can always tell when it’s going to rain.
Apollo: Really? That’s amazing.
Nick: Well… it can tell when it’s raining.
Kristoph: Okay, yeah. I’ve got an apology. So, I have this friend who is a new student this year. And I convinced him that it would be fun to mess up Klavier Gavin’s life. So I had him pretend to be friends with Klavier, and then he would come to my house after and we would just laugh at all the dumb stuff Klavier said. And we gave him these candy bar things that would make him gain weight, and then we turned his best friend against him. And then… Oh yeah, Apollo - you know my friend Apollo? He made out with his girlfriend, and we convinced her to break up with him. Oh, God, and we gave him foot cream instead of face wash.
Kristoph: God! I am so sorry Klavier. Really, I don’t know why I did this. I guess it’s probably because I’ve got this big *gay* crush on you! Suck on *that*! AY-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI!
Nick: Oh my god, he’s so annoying.
Daryan: Who is?
Nick: Who’s this?
Nick: Right… hold on…
Nick: Oh my god, he’s so annoying.
Kristoph: Klavier Gavin… How do I begin to explain Klavier Gavin?
Trucy: Klavier Gavin is flawless.
Wesley Stickler: I hear his hair’s insured for $10,000.
Jean Armstrong: I hear he does car commercials… in Japan.
Damon Gant: His favorite movie is Varsity Blues.
Short Girl: One time he met John Stamos on a plane…
Richard Wellington: - And he told him he was pretty.
Maggey Byrd: One time he punched me in the face… it was awesome.
Max: He always looks fierce. He always wins Spring Fling King.
Kristoph: Who cares?
Max: I care. Every year the seniors throw this dance for the underclassmen called the Spring Fling. And whosoever is elected King and Queen automatically become head of the Student Activities Committee and since I am an active member of the Student Activities Committee, I would safely say, I care.
Kristoph: Wow, Max, you’ve truly out-gayed yourself.
Alita: Is your muffin buttered?
Alita: Would you like us to assign someone to butter your muffin?
Alita: My what?
Klavier: Is he bothering you? Alita, why are you such a skeeze?
Alita: I’m just being friendly.
Daryan: *whispers* you were supposed to call me last night!
Klavier: Alita, you do not come to a party at my house with Daryan and then scam on some poor innocent guy right in front of us days later. He’s not interested. Do you want sex with her?
Apollo: No, thank you.
Klavier: Good. So it’s settled. So you can go shave your back now. Bye, Alita.
Alita: *whispers* Bitch…
Miles: *gives test back to Apollo* Not your best.
Wocky: Damn, Sleeves, what happened?
Kristoph: We gotta crack Daryan Crescend. We crack Daryan, and then we crack the lock on Klavier’s whole dirty history.
Max: Say “crack” again.
Daryan: Oh no, I can’t say anything else until I have a parent or a lawyer present.
Daryan: Irregardless, ex-girlfriends are just off limits to friends. I mean that’s just like the rules of feminism.
Klavier: Apollo, do you even know who sings this?
Apollo: Um… the Spice Girls?
Klavier: I love him. He’s like a Martian!
Gumshoe: Manfred von Karma, step away from the underage girls!
Daryan: That is so feh!
Klavier: Daryan, stop trying to make feh happen! It’s not going to happen!
Phoenix: God. My hips are huge!
Daryan: Oh please. I hate my calves.
Klavier: at least you guys can wear halters. I’ve got man shoulders.
Apollo: [voiceover] I used to think there was just fat and skinny. But apparently there’s lots of things that can be wrong on your body.
Daryan: My hairline is so weird.
Klavier: My pores are huge.
Phoenix: My nail beds suck.
Apollo: I have really bad breath in the morning.
Gumshoe: I hear Klavier Gavin is dating Ema Skye again. The two were seen canoodling at Matt Engarde’s halloween party… they’ve been inseparable ever since.
Apollo: Halloween is the one night a year when guys can dress like a total slut and no other guys can say anything about it.
Nick: On Wednesdays we wear pink!
Apollo: I think I’m joining the mathletes.
Klavier, Daryan, Nick: No! No, no!
Klavier: You cannot do that. That is social suicide. Damn! You are so lucky you have us to guide you.
Manfred: At your age, you’re going to have a lot of urges. You’re going to want to take off your clothes, and touch each other. But if you do touch each other, you *will* get chlamydia… and die.
Gumshoe: Never in my 14 years as an educator have I seen such behaviour. And from young men. I’ve got parents calling me and asking, “Did someone get shot?” I oughta cancel your Spring Fling.
Now, I’m not gonna do that because we’ve already paid the DJ, but don’t think I’m not taking this book seriously. Manfred von Karma has fled school property. Mr Edgeworth has been accused of selling drugs. Now what the young men in this grade need is an attitude makeover. And you’re going to get it, right now. I don’t care how long it takes. I will keep you here all night.
Mia: We can’t keep them past four.
Gumshoe: I will keep you here until four.
Gumshoe: So, uh… how was your summer?
Miles: I got divorced.
Gumshoe: Oh. My carpal tunnel came back.
Miles: I win.
Ron: And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle, so that Man could fight the dinosaurs. And the homosexuals.
Miles: [after implying that an elderly biker is his girlfriend] I’m kidding. Sometimes older people make jokes too.
Max: My grandma takes her wig off when she’s drunk. Miles: Your grandmother and I have that in common.
Miles: Oh, hi. Did you wanna buy some drugs?
Max: Oh my god! I love this song!
Kristoph: I hate this song.
Apollo: I know this song!
Wendy: Where’s Apollo?
Payne: He went out.
Wendy: He’s grounded.
Payne: Are they not allowed out when they’re grounded?
Kristoph: What is that smell?
Apollo: Oh, Klavier gave me some cologne.
Kristoph: You smell like a baby prostitute.
Lauren: I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school… I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy…
Max: She doesn’t even go here!
Miles: Do you even go to this school?
Lauren: No… I just have a lot of feelings…
Miles: Ok go home… Next!
Klavier: We do not have a clique problem at this school.
Daryan: But you do have to watch out for “frenemies”.
Klavier: What are “frenemies”?
Daryan: Frenemies are enemies who act like friends. We call them “frenemies”.
Nick: Or “enemends”.
Daryan: Or friends who secretly hate you, we call them “fraitors”.
Klav: [rolls eyes] That is so gay.
Nick: [gasps] What if we call them “mean-em-aitors”?
Daryan: No, honey, it has to have the word “friend” in it.
Daryan: Well, I mean you wouldn’t buy a shirt without asking your friends first if it looks good on you.
Apollo: I wouldn’t?
Daryan: Right. Oh, and it’s the same with girls. Like, you may think you like someone, but you could be wrong.
Apollo: Klavier seems… sweet!
Kristoph: Klavier Gavin is not sweet! He’s a scum-sucking road whore, he ruined my life!